The Secret Diary of the XMen
by Matt Briddell
Summary: Part 9: The entry everybody's been waiting for, Scott Summers!
1. Default Chapter

Having been inspired by Cassandra Claire's "Very Secret Diaries" for LOTR, I decided to do my own for the X-Men. My goal for now is to cover the major moments and episodes for the first season, and then see where it goes from there. I will try to get at least one or two for every character, and there are some definite moments I want to capture (the X-Jet joyride comes to mind). Up first is Xavier's account of "Strategy X". Enjoy!  
  
PS: Jean WILL kill you if you try anything ;-) 


	2. The Secret Diary of Charles Xavier

The Secret Diary of Charles Xavier  
  
Day 1: Got a great deal on that big mansion on the hill today. Realtor practically begging me to take it off his hands. Guess the last owners were a bunch of creepy zombies or something like that. They had the name "Adams" spelled out in chicken bones on their mailbox. Sounds like some kind of cult, if you ask me.  
  
Day 2: Found a giant computer game in the basement. Go me! Looked like I'd be having a great time at first, game has lots of characters from all over the world. A couple look somewhat familiar, and one looks like it would be exactly where I'm sitting right now if the game was real. Isn't technology great?  
  
Day 3: Game appears to be broken. It tells about all sorts of special "powers" the characters have, but so far they don't seem to be doing much of anything, just milling about like ordinary people. Kinda like a massive version of The Sims.  
  
Would be nice to get it working as graphics are top notch. Maybe there's a patch on the internet someplace.  
  
Day 4: Went to soccer game at the local high school tonight. Saw a couple kids that bear a striking resemblance to some of the characters on my game. One of them was wearing sunglasses even though it was nearly pitch black out. Kids these days.  
  
Day 5: Game called on account of massive explosion when sunglasses kid decided to shoot laser beams out of his eyes for kicks. Had to use all of my eloquence and charm to convince the crowd and the cops that the blinding flash was really just some light reflecting off of my bald head. Good thing I waxed before the game.  
  
I think I'll take this kid home with me, maybe he can help me with the computer game.  
  
Day 6: Sunglasses kid (who calls himself Scott) explained that the game isn't broken; it's actually a list of people with mutant powers. Guess I should have realized that when I saw the telepathic fellow up on the screen who looked a lot like me.  
  
What is a telepath, anyway?  
  
Day 7: Scott suggested I start a private school for mutants so that they'd have someplace to go where they won't get picked on. Seems a little odd that a kid who can shoot lasers out of his eyes has to worry about being teased.  
  
Day 8: Took Scott up on the idea of the school and agreed to let him live here. Figured that since we're starting our own secret school, I'll give all the students secret names. Scott's is "Cyclops" because "Death Ray Vision Boy" was copyrighted. Told Scott he must keep his shades on in the house at all times. No way am I paying the contractor bills every time Scott tries to kill a fly by looking at it.  
  
Day 9: Looked up telepath in the dictionary today. Mr. Webster says that it's a person who can read minds and the like. Makes sense now, although I'd always assumed that everybody around me just liked to think very loudly.  
  
Day 10: Second student showed up today, spicy red-haired vixen named Jean Grey. Very cute but rather arrogant, she didn't like any of the code names I suggested and insists on using her real name instead. And what exactly is wrong with "Vaginara"?  
  
Day 11: Jean can toss stuff around with her mind and can tell what other people are thinking. Noticed me eying Scott and scolded me with her mind. Called me a pervy mutant fancier. She should mind her own business. Also, she needs to get her hair cut, as people with long hair make me feel self- conscious. Was able to get a good look inside her head, it's pretty obvious what she's into. Saucy little nymph.  
  
Day 12: Caught Scott dincing around in his underwear to teeny-bop music. Claimed he was doing Tom Cruise impersonation. Like he doesn't think a telepath won't see what a big ponce he is. Very swishy but deadly eyebeams make him totally unapproachable. Besides, Jean's clearly smitten with him too. She'd probably kill me if I tried anything.  
  
Day 13: Scott brought a tall blue monkey home today. Told him I didn't want any pets in the house but changed my mind when the monkey started speaking German. Monkey's name is Kurt.  
  
Day 14: Figured out that monkey is actually another mutat human. Scott made a cute but blatantly obvious pass when he tried to figure out how to shake Kurt's hand. Jean kept giving them nasty glances. Can't put anything past her.  
  
Day 15: Will have to make some kind of holographic device so Kurt can go out in public without looking like hell-spawned demon. His feet are very highly arched, so I'm thinking some stiletto heels ought to do the trick.  
  
Day 16: Settled on watch for Kurt. Baggy pants and underwear pulled up to the nipples make him look just like any other skater kid. He likes to wear pants backwards, says it's so his tail can hang out. Told him that the backward pants thing might seem a bit out of place but then realized that that's the trend.  
  
God, I am so out of touch with kids these days. Need to get somebody in here who can help me connect better with today's youth.  
  
Day 17: Called up an old friend of mine named Storm. She'll be a great addition to the family. Useful powers, too. If I don't like the weather forecast, I know just who to turn to. Hope she doesn't bring bratty nephew along; between Scott, Jean, and Kurt, I've got a regular wrecking crew on my hands.  
  
Day 18: Have to take wheelchair to Jiffy Lube for 25-mile tune-up today. Am considering getting it souped up, with chrome wheels and 8-inch ground effects, as I feel that current wheelchair does not make enough of a statement. Hope I am not going through a mid-life crisis with this.  
  
Storm showed up today. Brought nephew. Just what I need: another mouth to feed.  
  
Day 19: Storm wants me to trade in for more environmentally friendly wheelchair. Damn hippie. Guess I should have expected this from weather witch.  
  
Nephew Evan is the sporty type, likes to skateboard around everywhere he goes. Wouldn't be so bad if he didn't take the thing in the shower with him, as grease and dirt tend to clog up the drain. Likes to shoot videos of people with his camera. Jean obviously doesn't like being on film. She caught him spying on her and telekinetically threw him through a wall. That's going to cost a bit to fix up. Have a feeling that camera's going to get him in real trouble some day.  
  
Day 20: Jean keeps trying to put the moves on Scott, still can't see that he doesn't swing that way. Doubt that even showing her tapes from Scott and Kurt's Danger Room sessions would help her get a clue.  
  
Day 21: Decided to come up with a name for the mutant school. Finally settled on "Xavier Institute for the Gifted", since "Xavier Institute for Kids Who Will Never Be Normal And Will Always Be Feared, Mistrusted, and Treated Like Outcasts for the Rest of Their Lives" wouldn't be PC enough.  
  
Day 22: Scott blew yet another hole in the roof today. He and Evan were playing Mutant Darts again. Damn kids. Contractor is getting suspicious; he's been out 6 times this month. May have to use powers to make him take up new career as lobster fisherman.  
  
Day 23: Kids becoming a hassle to manage, very inattentive in classes. Kurt and Scott getting very gropey with each other, Scott seems to have a fixation on Kurt's tail (not that I blame him). Kurt's swinging tendencies involve more than just dangling from the chandelier; he keeps "accidentally" teleporting into Jean's room while she's changing. Evan ruined my garden when he decided to build skate park in backyard. Looks like I'll have to bring in another teacher to restore order around here. Tomorrow's schedule: Clean mansion.  
  
Day 24: Housecleaning efforts ruined when enormous amphibian crashed through front door. Considering upgrading security measures; stern "Do Not Enter" sign clearly not doing the job.  
  
Day 25: New teacher arrived in time to eject intruding toad, but not before Kurt decided to go on love-romp with the thing through the mansion. Several paintings slimed, best vase in pieces. No way he'd ever fit in here. Wait, what am I saying? With that knack for destruction, he'd be perfect! Unfortunately, frog-boy lost the fight when his tongue got wrapped around a ceiling fan, so he had to go.  
  
Day 26: New teacher Logan should definitely have a good effect on the kids. Stern but fair, and he appreciates the value of recycling. Plus, nothing like having a human can opener around when the power goes on the fritz. 


	3. The Secret Diary of Jean Grey

The Secret Diary of Jean Grey  
  
Day 1: Won soccer MVP today. 12th year running. Go me! Some people say I use my powers to cheat, I say, what do I need superpowers for when I'm just that darn good?  
  
Day 2: Got invitation from a professor Xavier to start attending a school for mutants. Figured it was worth a shot. Could go for change of scenery anyway, as school so easy now that I know more than half the teachers put together.  
  
Day 3: Shocked to see that Scott Summers also goes to mutant school! Must admit, had no clue that sunglasses were to keep him from vaporizing people with eye lasers. Always thought he wore them because he liked the dark, mysterious look. Oh well. Should be a fun time anyway as I can spend more time with dream boy.  
  
Day 4: Professor Xavier a very strange man. Thinks he's running a superhero club or something. Tried to give me sick code names; told him Jean Grey IS code name. Seriously. "Amazonia"? What century is he living in, anyway?  
  
Day 5: Xavier continues to treat me like superhero Barbie doll. Gave me new outfit today. All I can say is Blech! Green is SO not my color! Not to mention that it totally distorts my figure. Desperately hoping that another mutant with better fashion taste opens a school in the immediate future.  
  
Day 6: No new mutant schools opening today. Looks like I'm stuck here. Caught Xavier gazing longingly at Scott. Pervy mutant fancier. I'll kill him if he tries anything funny.  
  
Day 7: Went on shopping spree at mall today. Got all the latest fall fashions. Glad Xavier lets us charge stuff to his account. Wonder where he got all that money anyway. In other happenings, a new mutant arrived today. Name is Kurt. Kinda looks like a cat.  
  
Day 8: Scott made a fool of himself trying to shake Kurt's hand when he arrived. Understandable at first, since 5 fingers meeting 3 not such a good combination. But 10 times is slightly suspicious, especially since Scott's grin kept getting wider and wider each time, and by the end he looked like he was more interested in rubbing Kurt's fingers than actually shaking his hand. Hmm. Never known Scott to be this friendly around anybody before.  
  
Day 9: Decided to be more patient with Scott. Am definitely reading way too much into the whole handshake thing yesterday. Scott's probably just glad to have another guy friend to be with. Admit that it can get lonely with only three people around besides Xavier. No reason to worry that dream boy might not be interested in me. Nope, none at all.  
  
Day 10: Powers getting stronger. Used them to create talking mirror. Mirror says I am the prettiest mutant here. Pretty smart for a talking piece of glass.  
  
Day 11: Mirror starting to get an attitude. Getting ready for school today and the thing spent 20 minutes giving me fashion tips. As if I need them.  
  
Day 12: Smashed mirror to bits when it said Kurt was the prettiest mutant around. What nerve! In hindsight, probably not a good idea to invest inanimate objects with personality. Will stick to telepathic juggling from now on.  
  
Day 13: Kurt "accidentally" teleported into my room while I was getting ready for bed. Couldn't tell if he was blushing from embarrassment or excitement. Blew him through the wall just to be safe; can't have anybody finding out about Hello Kitty underwear.  
  
Day 14: Favorite blouse and khakis have gone missing today. Hope they haven't gotten lost in laundry. Noticed Kurt sporting new look today. Willing to admit that he looks almost as good in lavender as I do. But since when does he have time to go to the mall?  
  
Day 15: Had to defend mansion tonight when Todd Tolanski tried to break in. Told professor several times before that his "Do not enter" sign would not be an effective deterrent to burglars. Believe he is contemplating acid- shooting lawn sprinklers next.  
  
Todd seemed to want to say hello to Kurt very badly, judging by the time they spent rolling around on the second floor together. Hoping that will keep Kurt away from dream boy Scott, although Todd not exactly boyfriend material. Too slimy and insect addiction a definite turn-off.  
  
Day 16: Xavier's friend Logan showed up to get rid of Todd. Retractable Swiss Army knives look menacing yet strangely attractive. Can't say the same about all that stubble, though.  
  
Will write more later; have to get ready for hair appointment tomorrow. 


	4. The Secret Diary of Kurt Wagner

X-claimer: I do not have enough money to own any of the X-Men.  
  
The Secret Diary of Kurt Wagner  
  
Day 1: Arrived in America today. Had a devil of a time getting through customs. Guess Americans not used to seeing Germans on daily basis. Tail probably had a bit to do with it too. Still not normal.  
  
Day 2: Met Scott and Professor Xavier at train station. Scott awkwardly tried to shake hands with me. Must not be able to see very well with sunglasses on. Suggested he get contacts.  
  
Day 3: Professor gave me watch and pj's as welcoming present. PJ's are silk. Feel nice but a little odd to be getting them from bald guy in wheelchair. Not the way we do things back home. Oh well, new country, new traditions.  
  
Day 4: Tried adjusting watch for daylight savings time and turned into a monster! Oh wait, I just look like a human now. False alarm. Cute, but not really normal.  
  
Day 5: Checking out human body. New hands look nice, but need to do something about clothes. Baggy pants not really my thing despite convenient tail hole in back. And boxers over bellybutton? What kind of style is that? Think I looked less freaky in blue fuzzy form.  
  
Day 6: Desperately need shopping trip, getting tired of walking around in silk pj's all the time. Professor is more eccentric than I thought. Keeps staring at Scott strangely. Don't know if he's practicing his telepathic powers or has something else in mind. Hope he doesn't start staring at me. Don't want any pervy mutant fanciers rooting around through my thoughts.  
  
Day 7: Jean seems very possessive of Scott. Doesn't seem to like it when I am in the same room with him. Not my fault handshake went so badly yesterday. Just trying to show Scott how to say: "I think you're cute" in German.  
  
Day 8: Scott very friendly. Guess he's been very lonely here. Can't blame him. Living with eerie Xavier and clingy Jean enough to drive anybody nuts. Called Jean mommy for how she treats Scott, got tail-wilting glare in return. Promised to show Scott some more secret German stuff later.  
  
Day 9: Had fun giving Scott German lesson. Tail most useful for helping him grasp certain elements of the language. Used to hate the thing but now I think everybody should have one. Fun to swing from, and besides, 3 hands are always better than 2. Scott says he will show me his Blackbird tomorrow night.  
  
Checked. Still not normal.  
  
Day 10: Scott's Blackbird is so big! So sleek! Lots of passenger room, too. Supersonic stealth plane should be useful for late night trips to store or for terrorizing farmers late at night.  
  
Day 11: May have to slow things down with Scott. Getting the feeling that Jean would kill me if she caught me trying anything funny. Good thing she doesn't know I already have.  
  
Day 12: Wound up in Jean's room by mistake while teleporting today. Got thrown through wall before I could explain. Would like to see HER try to navigate 20 dimensions at once. Was that Hello Kitty I saw? I LOVE Hello Kitty! Will try and talk to her about it later. Sore and still not normal.  
  
Day 13: Talked to Jean about Hello Kitty stuff. Surprised she didn't try and kill me again. Thought it was cool that I liked HK but said she'd better not catch me rooting through her clothes. Told her I have no intention of letting her catch me. Got dirtier look than usual. Don't think she'd be treating me like this if I were normal.  
  
Day 14: Panty raid successful! Pulled job while Jean was at soccer practice. She has some nice clothes. Imagine lavender blouse and khaki bellbottoms she's so fond of would look better on me. Hope she doesn't notice when things start to go missing.  
  
Day 15: Single-handedly saved the day when mansion invaded by slimy toad creature tonight. Go me! Don't know how it got in here; thought Professor's "Do not enter" sign would be effective security. Always seemed to work back home. Oh well. Laid smack down on toad after it broke my favorite swinging chandelier. Paintings ruined: 6. Lights smashed: 4. All in all, a good night. But still not normal. 


	5. The Secret Diary of Kitty Pryde

The Secret Diary of Kitty Pryde  
  
Day 1: Made a nice batch of muffins today! Muffins a little crunchy but still good.  
  
Day 2: Went to bed and woke up in the living room again. 4th time this week. Think muffins are making me sleepwalk. Will use less sugar in next batch.  
  
Day 3: Bald man in wheelchair and tall, snooty redhead showed up at the door today. Told them we were Jewish and didn't believe in Jehovah's Witnesses. Tried to offer them muffins to get them to go away. Redhead claimed she broke a tooth on one. I think she's faking.  
  
Day 4: Sigh. Fell for Riley's "Hey, what's that in your locker?" trick yet again. And just before my favorite class, gym. Hope I can find that trap door again; was stuck in here for two weeks the last time. Wouldn't be as bad if I were a senior; their lockers have walk-in bathrooms.  
  
Day 5: Bald man and snooty redhead actually mutants like me. Offered to let me move in at the Xavier Institute. Took them up on it since old school now a pile of rubble. Good going, Lance. Don't know what I saw in him anyway. House is very posh, sure to be a great spot for parties. Great kitchen facilities for muffin-baking a definite plus.  
  
Day 6: Am the prettiest mutant here by far no matter what Jean thinks.  
  
Day 7: Professor got me a job today! Get to bake muffins all day long. Go me! Muffins apparently being sold to construction workers. Can understand, those fellows work hard and will need some good snacks, but a little confused when I found a work order for muffins as well as concrete and steel beams.  
  
Day 8: Keep getting hit on by furry blue elf. Can understand attraction but didn't realize my prettiness affected woodland creatures as well as humans. Think he should have the name Kitty with that tail. Still pretty despite unwanted affection.  
  
Day 9: I swear, between Kurt and that psychotic walking ginsu knife Logan, I think I'm the only normal person here sometimes. Am the only pretty one here, anyway, although Scott's not too bad. Even if he does have all the personality of a rock.  
  
Day 10: Made the mistake of commenting about Scott's almost-cuteness around Jean. Needed band-aids to heal up from Jean's piercing glare. Wish somebody had warned me that she'd kill me if I tried anything. Still the prettiest, psychic wounds not withstanding.  
  
Day 11: Stupid Kurt. Tried to do King of the World impression on Blackbird while we were flying to Mississippi. Gah! Doesn't he know I'm more of a Matt Damon fan?  
  
Day 12: Contact with Rogue went south tonight when Kurt tried to grab her and got knocked out. Ok, I did kinda scare the heck out of her. Guess I need to use more tact when I do my trademark "walk through the wall" entrance.  
  
Day 13: Trying to think of a way out of this mess. Hmm, what would Logan do? "Grr! Me slash!" Yike! Did I just say that? Think I should try asking Xavier for help instead. At least I won't have to worry about him turning me into a living pincushion.  
  
Day 14: Nobody around here likes my muffins. Very depressing. May switch to pretzels soon. On the plus side, though, they at least make sure Kurt doesn't come near me.  
  
Day 15: Must have eaten a stale muffin; Kurt's pointy ears becoming a turn- on. May give up muffins altogether if this keeps up. 


	6. The Secret Diary of Wolverine

The Secret Diary of Wolverine  
  
Day 1: Kicked Sabertooth's butt. Guess he still hasn't gotten over bad date four months ago. In retrospect, probably bad idea to stick him with check.  
  
Day 2: Got a call from old friend Charles Xavier, said he needed my help with something. Sounded important so I'm heading there right away. Hope job requires explosives.  
  
Day 3: Stopped at truck-stop en route to Bayville. Store all out of beer so had to settle for American beer a.k.a. water. No fun at all being sober. Store owner looked surprised when I handed back the bottle. Guess he's never heard of recycling before.  
  
Day 4: Threw mutant toad out of mansion. Pest control wasn't exactly what I had in mind but stomping Sabertooth into the ground was starting to get monotonous. Am much better than Terminex man anyway. Big robot suit doesn't have anything on these claws!  
  
Day 5: Found out Chuck wants me to be teacher/mentor to bunch of kiddy mutants and irritating blue elf. Very disappointed at not being able to blow anything up. May use explosives on elf anyhow as his nancing is already driving me berserk.  
  
Day 6: Kicked Sabertooth's butt yet again. Business as usual. Wish he'd drop it already, told him long time ago that it's over between us.  
  
Day 7: I swear to God, if any of these kids call me Freddy Krueger just ONE more time, I will run them through!  
  
Day 8: Practiced snarling and saying "Bub" in mirror. Have to keep up intimidating bad-ass persona when kid mutants are around; can't have them thinking that I'm more of a ponce than Kurt is.  
  
Day 9: Boring day so far. Maybe I'll let Sabertooth win this time, change of pace could liven things up again.  
  
Day 10: Went on camping trip with kid mutants. Swiss army claws very useful for cutting wood for fires as well as cooking shish-kebab. Kurt wanted me to use claws for toasting marshmallows. Told him no as melted goo might make claws stick  
  
Day 11: Caught Scott drooling on my motorcycle. Threatened to show him pointy claw trick if he didn't stop. Will slash tires on his Corvette tonight after he's asleep.  
  
Day 12: Kicked Sabertooth's butt today. What else is new? Told him to get muffler on his bike fixed; heard him coming a mile away.  
  
Day 13: *Sniff sniff*. Is that cologne I smell? Hmm, Sabertooth must be trying a new strategy. Better keep my eyes open, this could be good.  
  
Day 14: Found Sabertooth in mall trying on scents. Good plan he's got; was too busy laughing to put up a good fight.  
  
Day 15: Challenged Storm to game of Rock Paper Scissors. Don't know how she keeps beating me so easily. Thought Jean and Charles were the only telepaths around here. Will get payback next week when I test out mansion security systems.  
  
Day 16: Got jumped by Sabertooth. New unfound strength suggests that he's finally over bad breakup. Think he's been in group therapy. Fight went bad for me, had to get bailed out by nancing elf. Will never live this one down  
  
Day 17: Heard Kitty call Scott cute. She should know that being cute requires a personality. Don't see why she doesn't think I'M cute; I have plenty of personality. Not my fault I'm a walking ginsu knife. Jean will kill her if she tries anything.  
  
Day 18: In Mississippi trying to bring in another mutant kid. Smells like she's afraid of something. Have to admit I'd be a little afraid too if I were being bombarded by constant between-scenes flashbacks.  
  
Day 19: New mutant a headache to handle. Got the better of Kurt and knocked him out. Will keep picture of me carrying Kurt around to make sure he doesn't blab about last fight with Sabertooth.  
  
Day 20: Still chasing new mutant. Between gothic clothes and pension for hanging out in graveyards, think she might be a vampire. Don't know if Chuck really needs an undead monster on his hands; current crew of mutants enough of a hassle.  
  
Day 21: Haven't caught new mutant yet. Something doesn't smell right around here. Strange mix of blueberries and lilac. Either Mystique's around, or Sabertooth got some perfume by mistake. If so, didn't realize he was such a pervy mutant fancier. 


	7. The Secret Diary of Kurt Wagner, pt 2

X-claimer: I am a pervy mutant fancier  
  
The Secret Diary of Kurt Wagner, pt. 2  
  
Day 1: "Ugh, definitely ate too much at Burger Barn last night. Starting to feel all bloated. Look terrible, like girl in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Will have to do extra Danger Room sessions to get rid of weight. Not an exciting prospect."  
  
Day 2: "Bloated feeling is gone, thankfully. Have to cram later tonight to get ready for calculus"  
  
Day 3: "Think late-night cramming payed off. Looked in mirror after showering and head looks bigger! Will have to study like that more often."  
  
Day 4: "Professor says watch has been malfunctioning. Said he'd put new battery in. Other happenings: Rescued Scott and his brother from hurricane. Scott didn't say much to me on the way back. Spent most of the trip cuddling with brother. Wonder if the magic's starting to wear off?"  
  
Day 5: "Got watch back from Professor today. Put it on and turned into a girl! What I've always wanted! Too in awe of appearance to thank Professor properly. Off to my room for another study session. Also, need to ask Kitty if I can borrow some of her clothes tomorrow. Her fashion sense is so much better than Jean's."  
  
Day 6: "Study session very informative. Like new body, think I will keep it. Easy enough to forget about stupid tail when I look like this.  
  
Day 7: "Kitty let me borrow some lipstick, but said no to the clothes. Afraid I'd stretch them. Had to borrow one of Jean's sweaters instead."  
  
Day 8: "Professor said he was playing joke on me with watch, offered to fix it for real. Told him I wasn't interested, am enjoying having breasts too much. So jiggly. Bounce, bounce, bounce! I'll never go back! Never!!!"  
  
Day 9: "Broke up with Amanda today. Said she couldn't go out with me anymore since I'm a girl now. Told her if she couldn't accept the woman I was meant to be, it's her loss. Still have strong feelings for her, wondering if this makes me a lesbian?"  
  
Day 10: "Went on shopping spree today to get new wardrobe. Angel bras a must, also got some hair coloring. Don't want to look too much like Rogue. No blond girls at Institute so I'll be the first. Purplish-blue hair was getting bothersome.  
  
Day 11: Got gorgeous dress at mall. If only mommy could see me now!"  
  
Day 12: "Made up with Amanda. Was wrong to yell at her. She said she's used to surprises from me, one more won't make any difference. Later on after dinner answered lesbian question together. Definitely yes. Also found out that holographic body is fully functional. Wonder if Mystique wants grandkids someday?"  
  
Day 13: Professor agreed to use powers to make me forget old life. Also waterproofed watch so I won't have to take it off anymore. Good riddance to old body; 33 B's, blond hair and pale skin much nicer to look at than strange monkey hands, blue fur and spaded tail.  
  
Day 14: Chose a new girl name today. Hard to pick since there are so many nice ones! Wanted to be Catherine but Kitty would think I was being a poser so I went with Celia instead.  
  
Day 15: Scott's jaw landed on his foot when he saw me and Amanda making out at school today. Told him gently but firmly that it was over between us as I can no longer enjoy him in that way. Hope he doesn't take it too hard, figure this way he can finally see how Jean's been drooling over him since day one.  
  
Day 16: "Amanda and I are off to shop for prom dresses. Yes, we're taking each other. Don't care what her parents think. At least their daughter's JUST a lesbian, not like she's dating fuzzy blue monster." 


	8. The Secret Diary of Fred Dukes

The Secret Diary of Fred Dukes  
  
Day 1: Monster Truck show was great, until I tripped and everybody started laughing at me. Like it's my fault they put the roll-bars so high on these trucks. I told the manager to get the model that hadn't been recalled, but do they ever listen to me? No-oo!"  
  
Day 2: Quit truck-pulling job. Met some school principal last night who said I can go somewhere that my talents will truly be appreciated. Said their home ec. classes are great, too. All right! Now I can follow my lifelong dream and become a chef!  
  
Day 3: Not liking New York so far. Seems like there's no place to get a decent meal around here. At least back in Texas you could find a steer around when you felt like barbeque. Around here, steak's $100 bucks, and that's just for the worst part of the cow.  
  
Day 4: First day at Bayville off to a rocky start. Annonying cockroach named Duncan laughed at me, so I decided to help him re-organize his locker, with him in it. Met cute girl named Jean, also. She asked me if I was new here. Wonder if she asks that to every student who can rip a locker off the wall with his bare hands?  
  
Day 5: Glad I am here at Bayville after all. Have decided that their kitchen staff can definitely benefit from my talents after sampling their lunch menu. Burgers are decent but cafeteria selections lack nutrition overall. Lunch later broken up by a student doing John Belushi impersonation.  
  
Day 6: Can't believe I lost that food fight; guess I shouldn't have eaten lunch so fast. Note to self, eat slower to conserve potential ammo in future.  
  
Day 7: Jean told me about special institute she lives at for people with cool powers. Might go, if I didn't have to see her shady boyfriend there. Thinks he's all tough just because he can make light flash off his sunglasses whenever he's got a close-up. Doesn't he realize I could squash his head with one hand?  
  
Day 8: Heh heh. Got Summers out of the picture, now I can have some fun with Jean.  
  
Day 9: Wondering how Jean managed to come into school wearing cargo pants and leave wearing a miniskirt. Tried to ask her out for soda, but she said she had "stuff" to do. Like that's the best she can come up with. I'll try exuding some machismo for her, hopefully I won't exude any sweat on her in the process.  
  
Day 10: I think Jean was about to say yes to a date, but some construction workers got all clumsy and dropped a bunch of bricks on us before she could answer. Managed to keep her from getting too banged up, and I figure saving her from certain death's bound to score some points.  
  
Day 11: Dinner date with Jean ruined by traveling shish-kebob salesman in yellow suit. Starting to miss Texas, at least they had the sense to keep homicidal drifters like that locked up.  
  
Day 12: Hate Summers more than ever, although his little light beams kinda tickle. Reminds me of my favorite blanket I had when I was growing up. I sure do miss that tent.  
  
Day 13: Decided to keep away from Jean from now on. Still think she's cute but she'd probably kill me the next time I tried something.  
  
Day 14: Got send on bad trip to landfill by psycho goth-girl with eyebeams like Summers. Didn't know he had a sister; if so, she must have got the good side of the powers; those things actually hurt a bit. Food not too bad here but can't stand seagulls. Think I would have been better off staying in Texas after all. 


	9. The Secret Diary of Evan Daniels

X-Claimer: I do not own any of the X-Men, the NBA, any retro NBA jerseys, or a Mini. Enjoy!  
  
Day 1: Drrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.. Wait, why'd I just write that?  
  
Day 2: Glad Auntie O talked my parents into letting me go to the Institute. Can't stand much more of hearing how they're always worried about me.  
  
Day 3: Transferred to Bayville High. School pretty good, but basketball team sadly lacking. Hope this doesn't hurt my chances of getting drafted by an NBA team when I graduate.  
  
Day 4: Off-night at game tonight, only had 46 points. 3 below average. Must train harder. Not sure why coach wants me to pass the ball around so much, since I'm the only one on this team with any kind of skills.  
  
Day 5: Guy at sports store offered me free jerseys for doing so well in basketball. Turned them down, vintage Ryan Leaf and Manute Bol jerseys too valuable to wind up with spike holes in them like every other stitch of clothing I own.  
  
Day 6: Man, I'm really getting tired of carrying this team around on my shoulders every game. Glad we're playing my old school tomorrow night, kicking Pietro's butt should alleviate some of the monotony.  
  
Day 7: Can't believe we lost to my old team! Pietro absolutely took me to school tonight, am considering shelving basketball career and taking up ballet instead. No clue how Pietro can run so fast. I think it's the shoes. Yeah, that's it. It's gotta be the shoes.  
  
Day 8: As if losing to him weren't bad enough, now Pietro's trying to frame me for point-shaving so I won't get drafted. Got kicked off basketball team. Very mad, accidentally spiked tires on my new Mini before I could cool off. This isn't over between us, Pietro.  
  
Day 9: Finally got even with Pietro when he over-pumped his shoes and they exploded. Not so fast without his magic Reeboks, now is he? Pietro's in jail, NBA career back on track. Life is good.  
  
Day 10: Loving the indoor skate park at the Institute. Scott's a good trainer, but he'd be cooler if he didn't act like he had a stick up his butt the whole time.  
  
Day 11: Walked in on Scott and Kurt and realized that it's not a stick Scott has up his butt. Yike. Off to throw up and then gouge eyes out with my own spikes.  
  
Day 12: Scott and Kurt still going at it. Can't believe Jean hasn't killed Kurt yet.  
  
Day 13: Video project not going well. People around here so uncooperative. I'll never get anything done at this rate. Hmm, maybe Jean will want to help.  
  
Day 14: Jean no help, got door slammed in my face. Was that Hello Kitty I saw? Great, now have big spike hole in front of pants to deal with.  
  
Day 15: Crud, Auntie O's got my camera. Hope she doesn't see all that "extra" action footage I got of Kitty and Rogue last night...  
  
Day 16: Got beat up by Sabretooth while filming video for "Jackass". Am not too worried, don't think he can work the camera with those claws of his. Nope, no chance at all he'd find out where the Institute is.  
  
Day 17: Got camera back. Reluctantly forced to admit that Toad can slide down banisters better than I can. Think he might be a better subject for "Jackass" video since he looked pretty good crashing into that tree a few days ago when he was trying to swipe that dimensional camera thingy.  
  
Day 18: Damn. Sabretooth got a manicure and figured out how to work the camera. Logan's gonna kill me for this. 


	10. The Secret Diary of Scott Summers

X-Claimer: Still a pervy mutant fancier who does not own any of the X-Men.  
  
The Secret Diary of Scott Summers  
  
Day 1: Nearly lost inheritance tonight at football game. Gotta hold onto that quarter better; too precious to lose.  
  
Day 2: Had to fight off jocks at football tonight. Don't know why football always makes people so aggressive. Those guys need to find a healthier way to let off steam, like maybe a nice cooking class.  
  
Day 3: Blew up propane tank at football game. Explosion sent Duncan to hospital but Jean still likes him. Will cause bigger explosion next time.  
  
Day 4: Sent last night's clothes to dry cleaners, good thing I've got 8 more sets exactly like them. So bored at Xavier Institute. Nothing much to do and only Jean for company. Hope we can get some new mutants soon, I need some new targets.  
  
Day 5: Jean's spent all morning in the bathroom so far, think she is losing war with hair. Wish Xavier would spring for another bathroom for this place; all that money and he can't even afford a port-a-potty.  
  
Day 6: Where'd I put my sunglasses? Seems like I'm always misplacing those things.  
  
Day 7: Found sunglasses. Pretty easy, just had to follow the trail of destruction from the last time they went missing.  
  
Day 8: Caught Jean trying to swipe my sunglasses. Figures. She's such a fashion fiend  
  
Day 9: Met Kurt Wagner this morning. Strange looking boy. Didn't realize Germans only had three fingers. Can teleport around the room. Don't see why he's here, really. Fancy magic tricks are nothing compared to a good bazooka behind each eyeball.  
  
Day 10: Growing more fond of Kurt. Tail, pointy ears and blue fur make him look like a cuddly teddy-demon. Wonder if he's as fun to squeeze as my last plush toy?  
  
Day 11: Practiced shaking hands with Kurt. Don't know why Xavier and Jean were giving me such dirty looks. This kind of thing takes coordination, you know. I think he likes me, too, judging on how his tail goes all straight whenever he sees me. Need to learn how to say "You're cute" in German.  
  
Day 12: Xavier starting to get on my nerves. He spent two hours helping Kurt get "settled in" last night, think he's trying to zone in on my demon- boy. I'm going to booby-trap his wheelchair tomorrow.  
  
Day 13: Wheelchair prank very successful. Xavier never even saw this one coming. Guess telepathic powers are overrated. Wonder how he's gonna try and get me back?  
  
Day 13: Traded in sunglasses for contacts on Xavier's advice. Makes sense since they'll probably be easier to keep track of. Just hope I can find a laser-proof cleaning solution for them.  
  
Day 14: Switched back to sunglasses after I saw how geeky I looked without them. Never listening to Xavier again. Besides, vision's nothing compared to style.  
  
Day 15: Xavier tried to get payback and painted freaky eyes on my sunglasses before I woke up today. Granted, it took me half the day to catch on but I was really expecting more from a super-mutant like him.  
  
Day 15: Glasses got slimed by Toad. Doesn't he realize those things are prescription? He tries that again, I'll rip his tongue out and hang him with it.  
  
Day 16: Tried to break up with Toad, got slimed in return. Grosser than usual. Will need to schedule salon appointment tomorrow to unclog my pores.  
  
Day 17: Called Xavier to tell him about Todd being a mutant. Said he already knew, of course. Wonder why I even bother to tell him about this stuff any more when he's got that computer of his going 24/7. Without that thing, he'd be nothing.  
  
Day 18: Jean made me buy her a new mirror after smashing her old one to bits. Seems she figured out how to make the thing talk but didn't like what it had to say. Not my fault she can't handle the truth, Kurt IS the prettiest mutant here by far.  
  
Day 19: Think Jean is getting jealous of me and Kurt. Caught her painting Ken doll blue, strange as she's never played with dolls before. Also caught her stealing Storm's pruning shears. She'd better not try anything, or I'll tell Duncan she still wears Hello Kitty underwear.  
  
Day 20: Todd showed up unannounced at the mansion tonight, guess he's still not over the breakup. Kurt gave him a butt kicking to help get the message across. I knew there was a reason I liked him!  
  
Day 21: Kurt accidentally wound up in the Danger Room tonight. Got to play hero and bail him out, but Jean got all dramatic and did her angel trick on him. I'll kill her if she tries that again.  
  
Day 22: Showed Kurt my Blackbird tonight. He was screaming with joy by the time the ride was over. Understandable, flying at 6 times the speed of sound can be a real thrill.  
  
Day 23: Xavier's friend Logan showed up. And I thought Todd had a bad attitude. He's nothing compared to Mr. Ginsu here. Hope he doesn't try to steal my sunglasses too, not sure I like the thought of getting skewered.  
  
Have to get ready for facial tomorrow. Need to look my best if I'm going to be seen as a real leader around here. 


End file.
